Why, Hollywood gods, why?

What would possess you people to make a movie starring the ever-tasty Matthew McConaughey and then cast a bony bag lady as his love interest?

I realize that, as a grown man who lives with his parents, his character is not much of a catch. But really. Sarah Jessica Parker? Even if he gained 80 pounds for the role, wore a huge prosthetic nose and false teeth (a la Jude Law in "Road to Perdition"), this match would still be unbelievable.

I may have mentioned this before, but Sarah Jessica Parker's only real talent is being the only person on the planet able to wear $30,000 in clothing and accessories and still look like a hobo who dressed in a Dumpster. This is mainly owing to her, um, eccentric taste but also attributable to the fact that she's skinny and haggard like she's been on meth and living under a bridge her entire adult life.

Are there no actresses in their 30s or 40s who could play opposite the McConaughottie whose ribcages don't double as cheese graters? And let's not forget that this is a middle-aged woman who has frequently been known to dress as if she is going to have a tea-party with her teddy bears, and who has been known to pair spandex and stilleto heels, and who has been seen quite often in public wearing things you would expect your great-aunt to cover the back of her plastic-enshrined sofa with. Are we really expected to take her seriously in a romantic role opposite anyone besides her male doppelganger, CKY whipping boy Rake Yohn? (And let me state for the record that nine times out of 10, Rake Yohn's outfit makes more sense than does SJP's.)

Not only that, but the only emotion her "acting" elicits from me is whatever emotion it is that makes you want to hit someone in the head with a shovel. The best thing about having "Sex and the City" on DVD is that I can fast-forward through Carrie's treacly monologues and SJP's smug posturing.

Normally, I'm a sucker for romantic comedies. Anything cute starring Reese Witherspoon, Drew Barrymore or Renee Zellweger and I've got a ticket. Two thumbs down? Screw Roger Ebert, I'll be the judge of that. But when my darling shot me his usual tragic look of despair during the preview and asked, "You're not going to make me watch that, are you?" I didn't even have to lie. Much as I like Matthew McConaughey, watching him co-star in a date flick with Sarah Jessica Parker would be about as enjoyable as viewing the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape.

I'm really hard pressed to think of an ickier pairing involving one party who's a sex symbol. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart don't even come close, although I think Calista and SJP may be eating at the same soup kitchen.

Needless to say, I'm going to have to pass on this one until such a time as a software is invented that allows one to go into a movie and replace an actress with someone better. When I can scrub SJP's noxious presence from this film and insert a talented nonhobo such as Jennifer Aniston or Catherine Keener, then I will watch "Failure to Launch."

Until then, Matthew McConaughey just isn't enough to make me care about this movie.