If television were better, I'd long for the days when I taped about four hours of it per day to watch at 2 a.m. when I came home from work. Ironically, although I'm home a lot more these days -- and, in fact, in the early days of motherhood was known to go a week sometimes without stepping out the front door -- I watch far less TV than I used to. Mostly because I'm trying to keep the baby from eating so much cat hair.

However, TV seems about as crappy as it's ever been. "ER" has continued its spiral into mindnumbing lameness, and if I hadn't already invested 10 years in its watching, I'd cancel my weekly appointment with this former "destination television" show. (Even if I did weep happy tears when Abby told Luka she'd decided to keep the baby.)

I won't even go into how bad "Will and Grace" has gotten, mostly because I haven't watched a full episode since the second season. Oh, I've tried. How else am I supposed to keep my Karen Walker impression fresh? But I just can't bear to watch Will sulk and brood, Grace act selfish and petulant, and Jack talk at a speed reserved only for female members of the Gilmore family.

And speaking of the Gilmore girls, how lame is it that Luke and Lorelei finally got together? Sure, they break up every second show, but don't the writers know that the thing that keeps fan hanging on is unresolved sexual tension, NOT spats over wedding plans and endless worrying about the kids?

Then there are the new shows (and since I'm nearing 30, "new" means fewer than two years old). I've tried to watch the much-loved "Grey's Anatomy" and found myself wanting to strangle a majority of the characters. Not to mention the fact that I want to jab the nearest scalpel in my ear at the sound of the words "Dr. McDreamy." (Thank goodness my dissection kit is packed safely away, and not sitting on the end table, or I'd surely be watching everything with closed captioning by now!) "Desperate Housewives" was great for exactly one season, and one season only. Even last week's long-awaited nun catfight scene failed to live up to a single first-season episode. We will not even speak of "Four Kings," "Stacked," or worst of all, "Freddie."

Of course, all is not lost. Amid the bad sitcoms and dull dramas and the 18 bajillion ludicrous forensics shows are a few glistening gems of quality programming.

In ascending order of couch-lounging, Cheeto-eating, pajama-wearing goodness:

"Medium": Despite the glut of crimefighting dramas, I like to think that one that depicts a medium getting messages from beyond about crimes past, present and future is, for reasons that should be obvious, immune from my normal criticisms regarding authenticity. Even though it's "based on a true story," "Medium" is enjoyable in the way that the first season of "Charmed" was fun. I can't suspend my disbelief for DNA testing that takes 15 minutes and CSIs who interview suspects, but spooks and spirits and psychic visions? Not a problem. Although they've got to stop with those annoying kids. Jeez. Get that little curly-haired one to a speech therapist already!

"Beauty and the Geek": This is the official WYD reality show until further notice. You may recall that the rules of Casa de WYD mandate that only one reality show be followed per season. While I have broken my own rules by watching "The Apprentice," a horrible show that is like crack in that it is addictive and makes you feel gross and dirty and very angry, and while I also cannot live without ANTM once it starts up again, "Beauty and the Geek" remains the only reality show that anyone should watch. I actually cried at the end of the first season when everybody learned Very Important Lessons about stereotyping themselves and others. And I've almost cried this season already, every time that poor, sweet, panicky geek with the 'fro opens his mouth.

And finally, the very best of the newer shows goes to:

"My Name is Earl: This is by far the funniest half-hour comedy since "Scrubs." In fact, I love it so much that if it were on at the same time as "Scrubs" (not possible, thank goodness, since both are NBC shows), I would have to go with "Earl." Jason Lee plays Earl to a "T" in this hilarious sendup of trailer-trash existence, and while the show has what sappy people refer to as "heart," it is also sidesplittingly funny and original. And even though Jaime Pressly is nasty and fugly with her too-tan tan, shellacked stripper hair and inbred meth-binge mug, so is her character -- so it's all good! Makes me want to get some Lee Press-On Nails and a bag of Cheet-ohs and sit on the pull-out sofa watching Springer and spilling out my troubles to that nice lady on the psychic hotline.

But instead I'll just eat the Cheetos, watch girls with scary manicures on "Beauty and the Geek," and get my psychic fix from "Medium." And no matter how hard up I am for entertaining programming, I'm never hard up enough for "Jerry Springer."

And with that, I leave you with this truly trashy tale of a mom who abandoned her three kids (all under age 4) so she could watch a taping of, you guessed it, "The Jerry Springer Show." I'm not really sure why this is even in the news. Isn't that the typical childcare arrangement for Springer guests / audience members / viewers? Anyway, I hope she at least left the kids some Cheetos.