Thanks a lot, Ben Affleck.

It wasn't enough that you made Gigli. Or Paycheck. Or Daredevil. Or helped usher the dreaded word "Bennifer" -- and all that it stood for -- into the American pop-culture vernacular. No, you had to go and spread darkness and despair to the world of television as well.

You see, Ben, for several years now I have had a weekly date with my television. Not even a weekly date -- a fulfilling and meaningful relationship. Interpersonal attachments have come and gone, shoes have been adored and discarded, but the one constant in my life since 2001 has been my weekly appointment with the ABC show "Alias."

I fell in love with the kickass girl-power action and Jennifer Garner's unrealistic but entertaining portrayal of a spy, and stuck with my beloved show through nonsensical storylines; killings, unkillings and rekillings of characters; and the most bogus science and technology imaginable. Even when superhottie and main love interest Michael Vaughn was killed off in the season opener, I kept watching. Despite the fact that the chemistry between Vaughn and Special Agent Sydney Bristow was all the show had going for it after the writers ran out of cool gadgets and went crazy with the weird prophecy stuff and the implausible Renaissance-era doomsday weapons.

Even when my beloved show became but a shadow of its former adrenaline-pumping self as Jennifer Garner's role was scaled back, I knelt lovingly at its deathbed, holding its hand and whispering words of encouragement. Like Arvin Sloane at the side of his criminally violent, comatose daughter, I held out hope that the show would come back to life and embrace good rather than evil.

Alas, evil, in all its stiff-haired, clench-jawed, egotistical glory, prevailed. Yes, I'm talking about you, Ben Affleck. It wasn't enough to have your girlfriend's ex booted off the show, effectively ushering in the beginning of the end for this show (whose female audience happened to really, really like Michael Vartan!). Nope, you had to begin the last rites by getting her pregnant.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for celebrity marriages. Reese and what's-his-name, Madge and Guy, Liz and all 75 of her hubbies. I've enjoyed every single one of J-Lo's and Britney's weddings, and was delighted when Drew Barrymore and Tom Green burned it up (haha) offscreen. Even though I had no idea who they were, I certainly enjoyed Nick and Jessica on "Newlyweds" (although more in a laughing-at-them than laughing-with-them way). I am even looking forward to TomKat's nuptials, although not as much as I'm looking forward to the prospect of Katie Holmes' postpartum depression. Yes, I know -- new tenth circle opening up especially for me. But you know you're looking forward to it, too.

I'm certainly not against celebs having babies. Lord knows that little Apple, Coco, Phinnaeus and Hazel have brought me endless delight, albeit in a schadenfreudey kind of way. And I think that having Sean Preston was quite possibly Britney's crowning achievement, entertainment-wise, when you set aside her traipsing about public bathrooms in her bare feet.

But stars should definitely NOT get married and have babies when anxious viewers are sitting in front of their TVs on a weekly basis wondering burning questions such as, "What is the true extent of Jack Bristow's involvement with shady mercenaries?" and "Will Rambaldi's prophecy of a deathmatch between Sydney and Nadia be fulfilled?" and "Will Syd and Vaughn get married?" (I guess we know the answer to that one NOW. Thanks a lot, Bennifer II!)

Call me selfish, but couldn't they just CGI Jennifer's head onto a stunt person's body and continue the storylines as planned? Heck, why not just replace her with another actor and explain it away with yet another bogus-science plotline involving brain transplants or some such? It's not like it takes a Meryl Streep to scowl intensely and look shifty while marching down a hallway in a candy-striper's costume to open up the inevitable can of whoopass in that little room where the feckless security guards are making small talk in Russian.

But noooooo, you and Jen have to wreck my show. And kill off one of the best characters on the way down.

Before portraying the show-killing villain of the Alias cancellation saga, you've played a lot of crappy roles. In fact, in one of the very few movies you didn't manage to ruin, you played a guy who liked to screw girls in "a very uncomfortable place."

By knocking up Jennifer Garner, you have done exactly that to loyal "Alias" fans everywhere. It's bad enough that you made all of those godawful movies. But to destroy something without even acting in it, well that takes a real talent for turning everything one touches into shit.

I'll see you in hell, Ben Affleck!

RIP "Alias"

2001-2006